My Family
Disclaimer: This is quite long! I don’t want to give my whole life story, but I prefer to be as open and upfront as possible to give you a good sense of who I am and whether or not I’d be a good fit.
Hello. My name is Rebecca. I live in New Hampshire near my immediate family (parents, two brothers, one sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends-since-I-was-a-baby, etc). I’m a solo choice parent. After many years of being single and not meeting a good match, I decided to move forward with family building on my own. I chose to pursue pregnancy with an Open ID donor, and I was very fortunate to get pregnant with my third IUI at 39. My son was born just after I turned 40. He was a few weeks early but otherwise no complications, and he’s now a happy, healthy, very adored 2.5 year old! He is a very sweet boy who loves giving kisses, snuggling up to read, and spending time with his cousins. He is a huge fan of the outdoors, so we try to get out as often as we can.
Being the oldest of four, my goal has always been to give him a sibling. I’ve tried four IUIs since then with the same donor, but for whatever reason (age, timing, other?), I’ve been unsuccessful.
I’m 42 now and have a couple shots at IUI left. I’ve considered IVF at CNY, where I am a patient, but I’m not sure this is the path for me. I’ve also considered using an egg donor and the same donor as my son, but this doesn’t feel right for me. We are blessed to have these options, but I think I need to follow my heart in the direction it’s calling me. For a few years now, I’ve felt drawn to embryo donation/adoption. In doing research the last year or so, I’ve realized I face an uphill battle due to being single. It seems many people prefer donating to couples. Here’s hoping I can find a private match that works for everyone involved. I would love to have up to two more kids, as I’ve always wanted a bigger family, so more than one embryo would be ideal.
I absolutely know I would love any child the universe gave me, but my biggest concern is how my future child would feel about not being biologically related to me or my son. It’s the #1 thing making me hesitate, but I am working through this. I also worry about my son not having a biological connection to a sibling. I can’t speak for him, but my hope is that he will be close to his sibling(s) and learn from experience that family is about much more than biology.
I have a BA in journalism (University of New Hampshire) and an MA in Middle Eastern history (Tel Aviv University). My MA took me to Israel for two years. I’m not Jewish or Palestinian, but I’ve always found the Middle East to be a fascinating place and enjoyed studying Hebrew and Arabic. Financially, however, it was not the best decision. Journalism and Middle Eastern history are not lucrative fields, and I was saddled with tens of thousands in student loan debt. So after graduate school, I enlisted in the US Army in large part for the student loan repayment program. I spent seven years as a soldier, living in New York (3 years), Iraq (1 year deployment), and Germany (3 year assignment). I was a broadcast journalist, so I learned how to be a radio DJ, create video stories, write scripts, and take photos. While I was glad to leave the military for many reasons, it was a great job and gave me the opportunity to travel all over Europe and the Middle East. I’m now very familiar with traveling independently and love sharing that with my son.
After the military, I packed a suitcase, put the rest of my things in storage, and moved to beautiful Oahu, Hawaii (Sept 2015) to work at the Pearl Harbor National Memorial as a visual information specialist. I spent four amazing years doing website administration, social media management, photos, videos, and other projects focused on remembering the servicemembers and civilians who fought and/or died on Dec. 7, 1941. I also had the opportunity to start dancing at the age of 37 (salsa, bachata, tango) and got my open and advanced diving certifications. I also bought and renovated my first property there.
About the same time I left the military, I created a multimedia company, Secret Sky Multimedia, which is how I make a living now. I focused on voiceover for a few years and have moved into freelance videography, writing, publishing, and other projects as well. You can learn more about what I do here on my website.
I dated steadily throughout the years, but a solid relationship never materialized. I’ve never been engaged or even lived with a partner. I blamed myself for a lot of years for this. I often heard “you must be too picky,” “you’re not putting yourself out there,” and, as I got older, “there must be something wrong with you.” The whole thing has been crushing. I was looking for a life-long connection based on mutual love, strong friendship, respect, shared values and goals, and ability to make each other laugh. What I found were men who wanted brief physical relationships, occasional texting, and no commitments.
I was almost 39 when I met up with a friend my age who shared that she had stopped dating and was pursuing motherhood alone. What a shock! I’d grown up in a traditional family and never questioned that marriage comes first, then babies. I asked her many questions about the process and felt an incredible sense of renewed hope. Maybe there was a path for me after all. At least there was the opportunity to try, something I had not had before. I immediately quit dating (to my immense relief) and scheduled an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. I was pregnant six months later (so was my friend).
I no longer spend time trying to figure out the whys. I don’t believe in marrying someone without doing it wholeheartedly on both sides, and I never came across that person. I now believe some of us don’t have a match. Life can be very full as a single person, and I’d much rather be single than married to fit in. I have no plans to date in the future, although I’m not closed to the right relationship, should it fall into my lap.
In Nov 2019, left Hawaii for a position in Germany. I was 10 weeks pregnant with my son. He was born there in May 2020, and somehow we muddled through the next few months in near total isolation. My mom was able to visit that September after getting permission to fly into the country. As much as I love Europe, I decided that, with everything going on in the world, it would be best to return home to be near family. I moved back to NH in 2021.
*My friend Angela – the one who told me about her plans to have a child on her own – took maternity photos for me just a week before I unexpectedly went into labor a month early. I am so grateful to her for everything.*
I own a condo and work from home, so I’m with my son during the day, as is my mom, who lives with us. I’m debt free except for a small mortgage on my current property and the mortgage of a small rental property I own in Hawaii, which pays for itself.
- Lifestyle: I’m very holistic minded and strive to live locally (we buy meat and vegetables from local farms). My goal in the next few years is to be fairly self sufficient and to build a small farm on 3-5 acres, with chickens, goats, and a greenhouse for growing year round. I’ve never smoked or done any drugs, and I rarely drink alcohol (I’m not opposed to it – I just don’t care for the taste). I’m drawn to a healthy, traditional food diet and lifestyle. I want my son to grow up surrounded by nature, animals, clean air, and a strong sense of community. I am not anti-screen, but his TV time is limited and so far he’s never used a phone or iPad. My goal is to keep these to a minimum without depriving him of technology! I plan to homeschool (including world-school) any kids I have, which I’ve already started with my son. New Hampshire is very homeschool friendly, with many homeschooling pods that allow the full spectrum of social interaction. I would one day love to purchase a small property in Italy or Portugal (or?) where we could spend time every year and explore. This is a very real dream of mine and I’m always looking into the possibility.
- Politics: I’m registered independent and consider myself a classical liberal/libertarian. Individual freedom is very important to me – even more so after experiencing the very restrictive environment of the military. I’m moderate in my views, i.e., I’ve always been very pro-LGBTQ, but I also believe in parent’s rights. In our very divided culture, I feel like I’m out on a limb in that I do not have a strong party affinity. I’ve voted both blue and red over the years, although I do not resonate with either and wish we had other viable options.
- Religion: I was raised Protestant Christian in a very stable and loving home. As a young adult I moved away from organized religion while still holding to certain tenants (i.e., “love your neighbor as yourself”), as I believe that good values and character are crucial to instill in children. I consider myself nonreligious but very openminded to spiritual things, such as the idea of a greater, collective consciousness and that we all have a specific purpose in being here. I hope we are eternal in some form. I enjoy exploring the idea that our thoughts and environment have a huge influence on our reality, and that we have some control over that. I’m not dogmatic about anything, and with my son, my focus is on letting him explore ideas that appeal to him. I feel you can’t believe something because someone told you to; it needs to resonate with you.
I do yoga and meditation regularly and am beginning to share that with my son. We spend time every week cooking together (currently going through this awesome cookbook) and eat a healthy diet (I used to be vegetarian but now align much more with Weston Price). He already knows basic salsa dance steps, and I encourage music as I’d love for him to be musically inclined (I sing and play piano). Overall I look forward to finding out what he loves to do and what his gifts and talents are, and putting my full support and encouragement into that.
I feel it’s important for me to add that I do not believe a father is unimportant in a child’s life. There are many single women who pursue motherhood alone with no interest in ever partnering, and I respect their right to make that choice. My choice would have been to do all this with a loving husband who would have made an excellent father. It was a dream I wanted, searched for, and had to grieve the loss of when I decided to move forward alone. I do believe that one loving parent is far superior to a two-parent situation where there is animosity, abuse, or other serious issues. My son’s childhood thus far (and hopefully always) has been blissfully free of conflict, very peaceful, and happy. Although I know there is no substitute for a father, I have made it a priority to find male role models for him as he grows.
Sometimes I look at my son and can’t believe he’s here. He really feels like the most incredible gift, especially because I never thought it was going to happen. People occasionally ask me if I miss my carefree childless life, and the truth is that I do not. I wouldn’t go back for any reason. It was a great life, and I know many women who continue to live that life and love every second of it. It just wasn’t the life for me.
I’d love to find a likeminded donor family. I think it’s important I’m on a similar page to you in terms of lifestyle, beliefs, and how to raise kids. I’m interested in a semi-open donation and would be open to closer contact if there’s a natural flow in that direction. I am not particular about where you are located, but I would not pursue a closed donation. Some distance may be good for everyone, but I believe it’s important for children to know where they come from and to have some contact with their biological roots. I’ve been teaching my son his conception story since he was 3 months old. His biological father’s information will be available to him when he turns 18. I’m creating a small book with the images and information I do have so that he has a strong sense of identity – as strong as I can provide. In my house there are no secrets. I want my son (and any future children) to know they can trust me to be honest with them.
Thank you for reading this long novel. If you have questions, please feel free to get in touch anytime. I would love to hear from you!
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